Pity Poor Suri, A Stranger To Santa Claus

Sydney Morning Herald

Tuesday December 18, 2007

Laura Demasi

IT'S enough to bring you to tears. This week's New Idea breaks the heart-wrenching news of a Santa ban in the Cruise household.

According to the mag, the notorious eccentric, I mean devout Scientologist, Tom Cruise, has declared his vast compound a Claus-free-zone. It's a sad state of affairs for 20-month-old Suri Cruise, who has been told that hell will freeze over before any fat geriatric in a red suit stuffs so much as a single Barbie down her chimney.

"Not only will there be no lit tree or expensive wrapped presents to be opened, there'll be no decorations and cards on the walls or Christmas music piped through the house," New Idea reports sombrely.

"Instead of playing with a new doll or cuddling a teddy, sources say Suri will have to endure a lecture on why Scientology turns its back on the festive season."

Officially, the Cruises are cracking down on Christmas because they do not hold to the belief that Christ is the son of God, the mag says. But we are not buying it. That's far too level-headed a reason for Cruise.

The more likely scenario is that Scrooge, I mean Cruise, has discovered some secret intelligence relating to Mr Claus, obtained from the same agency responsible for locating Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, which involves his association with various alien warlords who have convinced the old man to allow them to use the North Pole as their HQ on Earth.

In camp Pole the aliens are drugging the reindeer and elves and implanting their brains with microchips instructing them to kill all the kids in the world on Christmas morning.

Suri's life may be saved but it is small consolation for her heartbreak. "It's a time of great sadness," New Idea says. "Katie [Mrs C] has even been told to tell her parents they can't send gifts to Suri."

Trust bloody aliens to spoil all the fun.

Speaking of odd-looking beings, the Olsen twins are the subject of a campaign by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. NW says the former child actors turned "designers" and "style icons", Mary-Kate and Ashley, have incurred the group's wrath for wearing fur and using it in their fashion collection. The group has renamed the pair the "Trollsen Twins" and set up a MySpace page for "Hairy Kate" and "Trashly", featuring bloodied caricatures of the girls making them look even more alien than they do in real life.

Where is Tom when you need him?

© 2007 Sydney Morning Herald

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